Aggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrression.

Howcome I always manage to say the wrong things? I mean really, my ability to cock up relationships is quite phenomenal. I know I'm demanding as hell when it comes to friendship. But should I shut up about how I feel about the relationship for the sake of maintaining one that doesn't serve its purpose. It's not a functional relationship when one party keeps in touch and suggests things to do and gives of oneself but the other party is passive. Who gains from that? The first party does not gain anything unless living in a lie that there is a relationship there, which gives her/him something is something to gain. The second party won't gain anything from it either since it's obviously not in her/his interests to have a relationship with the first party. So it's a lose-lose situation. Plus minus zero. The frustration that hits the first party is disturbing, focus-catching. It's not like you could do anything to change the way the other feels. If he/she doesn't want to have any sort of relationship with you then what can you do? Sometimes people's interests just don't meet, a fact of life. Or is there something you can do? Is it your fault? Have you been too aggressive? Have you said or done something completely wrong? Wrong how? By being yourself? Saying what you think? Being honest? Do I need such a relationship? Why am I not good enough as I am? What am I supposed to be? Wat do you want me to change? Is it the way I talk or the way I think? Is it the way I look, the way I dress? For fuck's sake, what is it? Is it because of this? Am I being too obsessive? Too possessive? Am I suffocating you? Is it the fact that you don't understand me? Or the fact that I don't understand you? Is it because our views of most things differ? What did I ever do to make myself so repulsive? Ask a lot of questions? Ask too many questions? Questions that you didn't want to answer? Questions you didn't know how to answer? Did I bring up things you didn't want to think about? Why the hell won't you ever answer anything I ask of you? I won't die if you are honest! I want you to be honest. Tell me how annoying I am, how you don't like anything about me, how I am wrong, how ugly I am, how much I disgust you, how you hate me, how you don't want to have anything to do with me. Tell it to me. If you don't have what it takes to do it to my face I won't ask you to. Tell me in a letter, write me an e-mail, draw me picture, play me a song, perform a play or a sketch, sing a song, send a tape, spraypaint my car (on the second thought don't do that since my car is actually my mum's car, which I just happen to drive), send a messenger (and I promise not to shoot him/her)...
I don't normally need to define the type of relationship I have with someone, it just comes naturally but in this case I do. No, I need you to define it for me. Because at this moment I don't have the slightest clue where I stand. How can I be friends with someone who sees me only when I ask the person first, and even then if he doesn't have anything better to do? How am I supposed to feel about a person not making any effort? What am I supposed to think when I am just taken for granted? How I feel and what I think is the last of your priorities. Even your neighbour's cousin's girlfriend's grandma's second cousin's cat is of more importance! Is it not? Then why am I treated as so?
Actions really do speak louder than words. Thanks for really making me realise what the sentence meant. I know I can be difficult and I'm sorry. But who gave you the right to play games with my mind? If you don't know me then don't play games. You don't know what kind of games work and what kind of games fuck me up. Oh, sorry but you didn't care so I guess it's ok then. How can a person change his/her behaviour in an instance? I mean, I know how but one minute we're having fun and the next you don't give a fuck about me... I get really confused. I don't like confused. In my mind, that state is not an option to be considered.

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I just received a phonecall from a real friend while writing this post. It calmed me down. Because she wants to listen and she wants to know how I feel and the best part is that she actually genuinely cares.

I don't need people in my life who don't give toss about me.