Perpetually sorry

There is a thin line between being genuinely sorry and apologising for your own existence. Ever been in a situation where you feel like you are perpetually sorry? When you feel hurt, angry, anything, you are made to feel like you do not have the right to your feelings. As a result, you end up apologising for your feelings. Eventually, all feelings, good and bad, start to seem unjust. You deny yourself of the right to feel anything. You deny yourself of the right to be human.

I have completely lost the ability to distinguish between the two. I do not know anymore where the line lies or which side of it I am on. Saying sorry for numerous times in a conversation was never my style. Apologising for things I felt was even less my style. Yet, I find myself doing it all the time these days. Am I really that awful of a person that all I should do is apologise for the way I am feeling? Am I really only having feelings, which are unfair towards others and unjust? Are they always just that, unjust? Or have I just become so insecure that I have to apologise for my very existence?

I always thought all feelings were justified by their existence. What one does about the feelings may or may not be justified, that is up for debate. However, one feels a certain way about things because of a variety of reasons. Something that upsets me immensely, might not have any effect on another person because our life experiences are different. We are completely different people, who perceive things in different ways. Under any circumstances, one does not have the right to take away a person's right to feel. How does one define what is a "wrong feeling", the kind of feeling you are not allowed to have? And please, I am not talking about the sort of feelings little children awake in paedophiles, so stop right there.

Even if I am not pleased about the fact that someone has been hurt by something that I have done (especially when I would rather think that I have been "right"), I must give that person the space and opportunity to feel hurt. What is the gain in trying to tell the person that you have no reason or right to feel hurt for what I did? I do not see there being any gain what so ever. Instead, I see there being loss. In the long run, one builds up frustrations and bitterness for being denied the right to feel.

There are times when you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall. When even the most direct of approaches does not work, when nothing you say is accepted. Eventually, you end up in a place where you feel guilty for everything you do. With that guilt on your conscience, you just cannot help but to feel perpetually sorry.

Cleaning.

I am pretty sure that people will not find their way back to reading my blog since it has been forever since I posted actively. Luckily, it does not matter because I have a feeling that I have to write. A feeling I have not had for a very long time. For two years now, I have been perfecting my skills in academic writing while producing gazillions of papers for school. During that time I have not written down a single word with creativity and self-expression in mind. It has been like slow suicide. Something that used to be a necessity for life became an evil, which I avoided. Again, as before, I cannot promise any kind of regularity in posting or high-quality writing.

A lot of the old posts were deleted. I felt like it had to be done, so that I could start writing again. I had to clean that table. The posts that remain are the ones that are at least somewhat neutral. But I have the old posts saved on my computer. Just so that I never forget who I have been, where I come from and where I am going to.